Allowing for Personal Renewal in 2013!

“I can hardly wait for tomorrow, it means a new life for me each and every day.” ~ Stanley Kunitz

Image Source: http://breastcancerpartner.com/blog/uncategorized/renewal-spring-is-here/

Image Source: breastcancerpartner.com/blog/

As 2012 came to an end, some sighed in relief that the world did not come to the prophetic end. Some did not have any clue that 2012 was supposedly an “end” to anything. Most of the world simply went on living life as usual.

Everyone has their own individual experience with the past year (2012) so I am not going to do any kind of run-down of 2012 events. We all can do that on a deeply personal level. Look back at 2012 and recognize the blessings there. Recognize the challenges and subsequent learning opportunities. Recognize the achievements and appreciate the moments of joy. Be grateful for what 2012 brought to your life, big or small. Then, let go of 2012 and move on to a sparkly shiny new 2013.

The year 2013 for me will be another year of change and goal setting. Here are a couple of my personal goals for 2013:

  1. Get into optimum training form. To do so, I will kick up my synchronized swimming training efforts a notch to make my goal of competing by  my 50th birthday in spring of 2014 a reality. (I have already begun this one by joining a local gym with my hubby and beginning a training regimen tailored to my injuries and medical adjustments and my goal of competing. This should complement my weekly synchro swim training sessions well! ) 
  2. Keep on top of my health management by ensuring I maintain a healthy diet and manage my fatigue properly. To do so, I will follow a healthy diet with as much raw foods as possible. I will not over-extend my energy limits to the point of exhaustion. I will schedule in more relaxation yoga and meditation.

The greatest mistake a man can make is to be afraid of making one. -Elbert Hubbard

The training goal is the tough one physically. While there is definitely excitement to be back in the water and training competitively in synchronized swimming, I battle frequently with a little niggling fear in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, I have bitten of more than I can chew this time. Little ghosts of thoughts cross my mind, such as: Will my body be able to handle this? Am I crazy? Am I too old? Am I too “disabled”? Does it stop me? Heck no. But it does keep me on my toes and AWARE of myself and my own qualms.

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are. -J. Pierpont Morgan

The health management goal is the toughest one. That’s the one where I have to really fight myself to keep…because I can so easily slide into bad eating habits or push myself to  work too much when I am over-tired. When I am fatigued is also when my brain does not seem to function at its best, and I have been known to make really weird decisions in terms of best choices at the times. (I believe my sister often uses the phrase “OMG – Do you need a brick to hit you in the head every time to get you to finally rest???” ) Trying to get a Type-A person to recognize when she is in full Type-A throttle and to scale back can be quite a challenge at the best of times!

So – do I expect to be perfect this year in reaching my goals and resolutions? Heck no. But I will have fun on the path!

OUR GREATEST GLORY IS NOT IN NEVER FAILING, BUT IN RISING EVERY TIME WE FALL. -CONFUCIUS

Have fun on your own 2013 journey!

Namaste.

Carolyne

Health Management still applies during the Festive Season

Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. ~ Buddha

We are in the midst of the holiday season festivities. This is a happy, busy and tiring time for many. It can also be a lonely time for some. Both ends require efforts to management of health.

When dealing with a chronic illness, there a more challenges afoot: trying to maximize your ability to meet social and family commitments while minimizing the drain on your energy and any impact to your health. Impacts that come not just from the demands on time and energy, but also the changes in diet and drink consumption. (Those mince meat tarts of auntie’s are to die for…oh and the cookies, cakes, hor d’ouevres, tourtieres,…oh my! What do you mean this is not the way to eat every day? Oh…my head…how many glasses of wine did you say?)  We eat differently, don’t sleep the way we normally do, and push our bodies to meet social and family functions. While all this can be fun…we need to pace ourselves and keep our health management need very clearly in mind. Because pay back is a Bi**h!

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ ~ Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping

So, from me and mine to you and yours: Happy Holidays! Happy Hannuka! Happy whatever! (And look out for the wall…)

Oh – and congrats on surviving the end of the world prophecies! ;)

Namaste

Carolyne

What is the End of the World, anyway?

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”~ Dr. Seuss

Image Source:www.timeanddate.com/calendar/maya-world-end.html

Image Source:www.timeanddate.com/calendar/maya-world-end.html

So – what is the end of the world, anyway? What does the end of the world as we know it mean?

These questions have been flying around as the legendary end of the Mayan long-count calendar approaches, which falls (according to north american “experts”) on December 21, 2012.

Personally, I think the end of the world has come and gone many times over, and will come and go many times over in the future. I believe it is also highly personal. And I believe what can be the end of the world as we know can mean a brand new beginning and a new world to discover.

Just looking at this 2012 year exemplifies that for me.

A friend lost her child when a pre-natal check-up showed no heart beat – the world as she new it ended that day. Couples divorced, fighting bitter battles over child custody or money – the children’s worlds ended as they knew it. Someone gets officially diagnosed with a chronic illness like MS – the world ended as they knew it that day. A maniac kills innocent children and adults for some unknown and whacked-out reason – the world as the families of the victims ended as they know it that day. Militants, rebels, and corrupt governments fight endlessly, killing civilians and military personnel – the world as they and the people around them know it ended, repeatedly.

On the other side of the coin, there is a new beginning. But that new beginning is not necessarily always easy or painless. The person diagnosed with a disease starts a support group and sees a new beginning and a new life managing and coping. The results of the maniacal killing spree of a whacko spurs a new beginning for better and safer gun laws and restrictions. I married my best friend, lover, hero, and the most wonderful man I have ever met; that day the end of the word as I knew it occurred – and a brand knew world began for me.

As human being, we seem to always search for the “end of the world” somewhere. Do we really need to look for the end of the world in things we cannot control, big or small? I say “Stop”. Look a little bit closer to home…and appreciate what you have around you. Appreciate the little endings, the little beginnings – the world around you. Don’t try to control what you simply cannot. Don’t panic about things that have no basis in truth.

The world changes every single day. Be grateful for the world as YOU know it.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ― Robert Frost

(See you on the other side of the End of the World. ;)

Namaste

Carolyne

Try, Try, Try. Period.

“If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl. But, by all means keep moving.” ~Martin Luther King Jr

Sometimes it takes digging deep – really deep – to keep getting back up and trying. Has anyone else noticed that?

I have been going through an exacerbation of my MS symptoms, with old symptoms returning with a vengeance. To complicate matters, my peri-menopausal flare-ups are adding new symptoms that I am trying to wrap my head around, as well. Combine the two – and well, we have a pretty fatigued and worn-out Carolyne on hand.

Last week was a particularly busy week at work, and I had to be on-site at the main office for most of the week. My MS symptoms were flaring pretty badly before the week had even started, with MS Hug episodes taking my sparkle down to a dull “splat”. Then, the 2nd day into the busy week I was hit by what I am now calling the dreaded peri-menopausal period. My fatigue and pain got so bad that one of the days I actually left the room full of people I needed to be with, headed to my office, shut the door, and lay there doing the yoga “legs up the wall” pose for 20 minutes…just breathing and trying to meditate to reduce the pain and fatigue and brain fog. (I think someone may have come into my office during that time…but left when they saw how busy I was!)

My synchro swimming was also affected in that my coach could tell right away that something was not right. She could see my fatigue and my balance was way, WAY off.

SO…this peri-menopausal period stuff seems to be becoming quite the deal-breaker for me lately. Cramps worse than when I was a teen. Fatigue like a sledge hammer. Brain fog galor.  Is this normal for someone with MS, or for anyone?? I really don’t know. Doctors don’t like to say anything for sure, though some websites do mention that hormonal changes can affect MS symtoms. I am here to say that when my period comes these days, it is like I have been hit with the Fatigue Hammer of the Gods! Holy crap! I can’t think straight; my pain levels skyrocket; and my fatigue takes me down to the ground. So…seeing as I am my own science experiment…I would say that my observations are telling me that my peri-menopausal menses and symptoms are prone to exacerbating my MS symptoms greatly. And I don’t like it!!!

But – no matter what, crushing pain or no, I have a family to take care of…so I gotta push through the pain, fatigue and brain fog and just keep tryin’. When I came across the song and video by Pink, it resonated with me…and to me, it inspires the will we need to keep trying.

“But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try”
~Pink

So that’s what’s been going on with me. I am getting up. I am trying. Period.

So what’s going on with you?

Namaste.

Carolyne

It Takes a Team to Manage your Health

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.  ~World Health Organization, 1948

One thing I have learned over the years is that the support of a team is essential for so many achievements in life, be it at work or at home. The same is very true for managing health if you live with chronic illness.

But what does that team look like? Well – it varies for every person. A team can be you and a family member. It can be small. It can be large. One large team…or teams within a team. It can consist of close contacts. It can consist of near strangers. What matters is that you feel supported by your team.

I consider myself very lucky, despite my health challenges. I have a fantastic support team. My support team includes my family, my colleagues, my medical healthcare team, my pets, my yoga community, and my new synchro swimming buds. One large team…with teams within a team.

Each member of what I call my support team helps me along my journey and in managing my health in his or her own way, at various times. (And yes – sometimes they don’t even know how much they may have helped me in one moment or another.) My husband cheers me on, and is there to catch me when I fall or when I just need someone to hold me and hug me and tell me it will all be ok. The rest of my family are also there to cheer me on and catch me when I fall – as are my closest friends. My boss allows me to work primarily from home so that I can keep working. I also am lucky enough to have developed good relationships and friendships with my medical support team – from my neurologists to my massage therapist, chiropractor, and osteopath. With my synchro team, I have a fantastic coach who supports my goals for competition and respects me enough to push me when she knows I need that pushing. My health history doesn’t scare her at all.

I am very appreciative of all of their contributions to how I manage my health. And I try to let them know that as often as I can.

And I appreciate you all – as my readers, you are also a part of my support team…so thank you!

Teamwork is the ability to work as a group toward a common vision, even if that vision becomes extremely blurry. ~Author Unknown

Who  makes up your support team?

Namaste

Carolyne

Serenity in the Challenge and the Chaos

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” ― Helen Keller

Whew – life can get chaotic sometimes, can’t it? I think of my own life right now – talk about chaos! Sometimes I am exhausted just thinking about it: a new marriage; long-term things coming to a head at work; moving an entire household; taking on a new cause and awareness raising initiative; raising teenagers; and staying on top of my health management. Keeping balance through our chaotic times can be a challenge in itself.

Life can be full of challenges in periods of chaos. And – sometimes challenges can bring us adventure – and sometimes that very adventure brings us serenity and inner peace.

Even with all the “busy-ness”, I have been feeling more “me” than ever before in my life. Part of it is that I married my life partner, BFF, and soul mate. Part of it is that I am “able”, despite my health constraints. But a big part of it has been facing a huge challenge and taking a little slice of “me” back from the constraints of my chronic illness – in this case, by getting back into the water.

Synchronized swimming is back in my life – and, boy oh boy, did I ever miss it and hadn’t even realized it! I am a water baby at the core – always have been. I am never more relaxed mentally, spiritually, and emotionally than when I am in or near water. My personal challenge is to be fully active and even competing in the Masters Synchro world by my 50th birthday. That is not that far off. The biggest challenge was getting back in the water itself – knowing that a seizure in the water is a dangerous thing.

You see, I want to raise awareness for the Stigma against Seizure Disorders as I travel this journey I call my life. (Look for a facebook page down the road. Yup – more to keep me busy and challenged!) Raising awareness means being transparent to a large degree. That is, in and of itself, a challenge. It means disclosing (repeatedly) that I have a seizure disorder – but that I don’t let it stop me from living my life to its fullest potential. It means telling each lifeguard what I need them to watch for and do. It means making sure that my coach knows what my “deal” is – and making sure she is comfortable with it. It means facing the fear every day. It means working every day to keep motivated, no matter what.

But these very challenges are the fuel that fire my inner peace. Knowing I may help just one person by sharing my experiences fuels that fire, and brings me a sense of serenity. Knowing that I have the courage to face a fear and break the social assumptions by getting back into the water, despite all the warnings about the dangers – that brings me a sense of serenity and inner peace. (Being underwater in the cool blue – that alone brings me serenity.) That’s what works for me. That, currently, is my daring adventure!

Finding serenity and inner peace – that is a personal journey, and each individual defines that for themselves. Serenity and peace in the challenge and chaos – I firmly believe it can be found…if you allow yourself to see it and recognise it. What does it look like for you?

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.  For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ unknown

Namaste

Carolyne

Never Say Never…

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”― Ernest Hemingway

Have you ever found yourself saying “I am never going to …something, something …again!” And you really meant it?

I found myself saying that about marriage and pursuing relationships, and that “never” sentiment was reinforced over the last years as my health issues evolved and became more “dramatic”. You know the saying “Once bitten, twice shy”…well, that was definitely me – especially when it came to being able to trust someone to understand or be able to handle life in the chronic illness lane with me. Yet I got married just this month…after almost a decade of saying (and meaning) “Never again!” And I did so with full trust and deep happiness. My husband is the kindest, gentlest, most patient and loving man I have ever known. Trust is instinctual for us together – he’s got my back, and I have his – no matter what comes down the road we are traveling together. I trust him with every fiber of my being.

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”― Maya Angelou

Trust. It’s a funny thing – trust. It’s just a small 5 letter word…yet it is such a huge deal. And trusting yourself – that’s huge, too. One thing I have noticed over the years of dealing with chronic illness is that as my illness evolved, my trust in my own abilities became shakier. My ability to trust my own body to “have my back”, so to speak, goes through ups and downs – especially since my seizures have no known trigger and have been so violent. Some days I can’t trust my brain to function the way I need due to fatigue and brain fog. Other days, I am firing on all cylinders and can trust my abilities to take me to the moon, if needed.

Chronic illness can lead to various forms of distrust and mistrust – distrust of our own bodies to carry us through our daily lives; mistrust of our professional circles due to worries of illness stigma or biases; uncertainty about the future of relationships and the ability for family and friends to cope with the fallout of chronic illness over time. This makes it challenging to go about daily life – and some days can be much more challenging than others. But the thing is, we have to find a way to come to terms with changes in our lifestyles and bodies – so we have to trust our bodies and trust ourselves to handle whatever develops. We have to trust our friends and families to be there with us, to be patient with us, to try to understand us and what we are going through. We have to take the risk to trust.

“Mistrust makes life difficult. Trust makes it risky.” ~Mason Cooley

From where I am sitting right now – I gotta say: Never is a really long time – and trust is always worth the risk.

Namaste

Carolyne

Rest: We will Return after These Messages…

“Sometimes the most urgent thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Two Sisters – Ah…Savasana in the sun….

Summer sun – is there anything more wonderful? The warmth? The heat…the baking heat…frig, it’s hot.

This summer, with much of the continent affected by recorded breaking temperatures, there have been many people seriously affected by the heat. I myself am also experiencing the MS effects of heat more than I ever have in my history with MS. For example – my legs gave out twice on me while out and about in the Rockies. My hubby-to-be, Mike, actually had to catch me in one of these episodes as my legs simple “let go”. (I happened to be on the cliff side of a hiking trail…so I am glad he caught me!!)

I am, as many MS’ers may be, experiencing big flare ups of my symptoms due to the summer heat. So – I am going to rest for the next few weeks, and simply take a break from my “busy-ness” by purposely being less busy. Believe me – that’s not easy for a type-A personality like me! I gots things to do, places to go, people to see, blogs to write…the list is endless. But I mentally, emotionally, and physically need to do this.

“I know exactly what I want. Everything. Calm, peace, tranquility,
freedom, fun, happiness. If I could make all that one word, I would – a
many-syllabled word. “- Johnny Depp

So – see y’all in September. have a great summer – and remember to rest!

namaste.

Carolyne

On My Mat: Life’s Journey is Not about a River in Egypt

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.  ~Murphy’s Law

I have traveled the river of denial (get it..de-Nile…ok, bad joke) a few times on my journey through life. One of the reasons that I love this artwork above (not only because it is a beautiful work of art from my son’s lovely girlfriend of which you can see more at http://www.facebook.com/caitsart ) but because of the emotions and awareness that it evokes in me. I love, love, love this piece of simple evocative art.

When I look at this picture, I see myself. I see my friends. I see my family. I see the strangers around me. What do I see? I see the highly personal and individual struggle we all travel on our own life journeys. Sometimes that struggle can cause us to deny what we see in front of us, hide our faces…and peek out between our fingers only when we think it is safe again.

As I was lying in the bliss of savasana one day on my mat, happy to have realigned my body, and I began noting thoughts about denial and what it means. I, for one, can be really good at denial – though as I have aged (and theoretically gained vast amounts of wisdom) I have learned that facing the scary parts full on is really the best way I have found to handle anything. Denial usually comes as a result of fear – and our own unwillingness to face that fear. Hence – we develop our own states of denial. (It’s kinda like putting your hands over your eyes when you don’t want to see something, or your hands over your ears if you don’t want to hear something.)

Here is an excerpt from Dr. Sanity about denial and what it is (Dr.Sanity Blogspot):

Denial may be conceptualized as an attempt to reject unacceptable feelings, needs, thoughts, wishes–or even a painful external reality that alters the perception of ourselves. This psychological defense mechanism protects us temporarily from:
-Knowledge (things we don’t want to know)
-Insight or awareness that threatens our self-esteem; or our mental or physical health; or our security (things we don’t want to think about)
-Unacceptable feelings (things we don’t want to feel)

I have learned over time that the moment I recognise that I feel fear (of anything) is the very moment that I have to take the hands off my eyes, turn around, and face that fear head on. If I don’t, then all I am doing is denying the existence of my fear, and of the source of that fear.

When it comes to dealing with a chronic illness, this applies too. For some of us, our chronic illnesses can be a constant source of fear and denial. How many of us deny symptoms; hope symptoms will go away on their own; just take the doc’s word at face value – with no questioning? I know I did, and sometimes still do! (I often call it pure stubborn-ness – but really, it can often boil down to simple denial…ok, I am facing that. :)

“Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable.” ~ Werner Herzog

Namaste

Carolyne

On My Mat: Seeing The Bittersweetness of Change and Transition

Human beings must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it. ~ Albert Einstein

Change. It is the one true constant in our world, isn’t it?  However, dealing with change requires transitioning – and that often takes determined effort.  Sometimes people think: “well, transition is just another name for change. Right?” Wrong.

Change is fast. Transition is slow. Change can be forced on us. Transition is the key to accepting that change – and it takes different amounts of time for different individuals.

Whether we are healthy, or have a chronic illness to manage, change and transition are a part of living in this world. How comfortable we are with change, how resilient we can be, usually determines how we transition through that change.

Recently, I have been dealing with a fair amount of change…and I have been taking the time to truly feel the bittersweetness of it as I transition into a new way of being. I have been using my time on the mat to really feel what’s going on within me. Change can be small – like a new symptom that makes a slight modification to daily routines necessary. (Spontaneous tears for me recently is an example – irritating for me, but amusing for friends and family.) Or, change can be huge, and affect you inner core to a large and evening surprising degree. For example: My children are transitioning through from adolescence to young adulthood – so I have myself been dealing with my own transition from “Mommy” to “Mom”, from being the centre of their world, to not being the centre of their world anymore. Bittersweet. The bitter part comes from knowing I must let them fly free – that it is the natural way of things. The sweet part comes from knowing that I have done a good job as a mother – because these kids are eager to fly and take on the world in their new adventures. This allows me more time to focus on me – because my identity is changing.

You’d think that would be easy, eh? I can remember many a time over the years when my kids were young that I lamented “Oh, to just have some time to myself!” Now – I have more time on my hands. But my identity as a mother is challenged – I must transition from Mommy to Mom, flying by the seat of my pants as I do so. But isn’t that exacly what parenthood is all about? Flying by the seat of your pants as you try to raise these little beings in your care. Throw in a chronic illness, and periodic emotional lability due to either the illness or the meds for that illness…well, it leads to some pretty memorable moments!

So how do you not fill that free time to excess work or “busy-ness”, and make sure the transition does not negatively impact your health? My remedy? YOGA! I say: take action – do yoga and meditate (whether a walking meditation, relaxing meditation – whatever floats your boat!!)

Yoga can give us the strength and insight we need to navigate change in our lives. Your yoga practice can serve you well during times of change, big or small.  Yoga won’t necessarily keep you from feeling scared, overwhelmed, or confused. But it can help you sort out your feelings, letting you see  what’s happening from a position of non-attachment to guide you through those feelings so that you don’t get lost in them.

Here are some of the key things to keep in mind when dealing with change:

  • Recognize that change is an inevitable part of life. Change is the only constant!
  • Try to see change as an opportunity – an opportunity to try a new way of living. Or maybe open doors to new people. Or maybe just an opportunity to get to know yourself better, and develop your self awareness.
  • Attitude matters!!!
  • Take action of some sort – baby step by baby step. It might be something as simple as taking that first step into a yoga studio, or cracking that new cookbook to begin learning to cook. Have the courage to take that first step.
  • Be willing to let go. If you keep looking back and keep hanging on with a tight grip, you’ll never actually move forward. Stop thinking in “if only’s” – they keep you anchored in the past and keep you from moving forward. Being willing to let go—moment by moment—can by itself be the inner key to navigating change.

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our
courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no
point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we
are not yet ready. ― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

Namaste.

Carolyne