“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ~ Marilyn Monroe
Have you ever felt…well, trapped…trapped in your own body?
I recently was talking to a friend of mine who was experiencing just those feeling, and was down emotionally. She has an injured foot, and it is a permanent injury thanks to the incorrect efforts of a doctor who initially treated her. As an athlete, she can no longer participate in her sport. Walking for her has become a painful experience – and sometimes she needs a cane. Running – well, just forget it. But the loss of her usual mobility has left her feeling trapped – trapped in a body that won’t function like she wants it to do. Her identity is impacted – who is she now, in her own mind, “excluded” from her sport of gymnastics? Depression is a resulting possibility.
As a person with MS and Seizures (or any person with a chronic illness, such as multiple sclerosis), I fully understand that feeling of being “trapped”.
Sometimes, I want to rant and rail at the world too, asking the heavens “Why? Why am I trapped in this body that won’t keep up with my mind?? Why me? Why now?”
Lately, I feel like I have been dealing with an inner simmer of emotions, tears often close to the surface. (Well, that may be due to menopause or just that fact that I am a soft-hearted sappy and sentimental person…but that’s for another story! ) I have been dealing with an MS exacerbation for a number of weeks now, and it has weakened & fatigued my muscles to the point of significantly affecting my back injury from my seizure/car accident years ago. I have had to pull out the old cane, and I am on restricted activity as a result. I feel trapped by my own body’s limitations. I am wondering if I am dealing with a new “normal”.
Being an active person, and always “into things”, the idea of having to slow down, or even stop, can really impact my own identity – even though I know that slowing down is necessary as a management strategy for my health. I have SO many things I want to do – go out with friends; be more active with my family; participate in my hobbies; be able to work full-time and with full cognition at all times. Personally, I can get alternately weepy or cranky as the intensity of the feelings of “trapped-ness” vary. Right now – with my exacerbation lasting so very long, this trapped feeling is too real. Having to slow down and really rest is too constraining, irritating, frustrating…and down-right annoying.
So – how does one deal with those feelings? Well – that is very individual. Personally, I deal with it with sheer stubbornness. Is this always good? Sometimes yes, sometimes no – depends on the situation (and how ornery I am being). For example – my back injuries have been so painful of late that only being in the water gives me any real relief. So I went to synchronized swim practice as per usual, despite fatigue, seeking the bliss the water provides me. Well, early into the practice, I had a wave of virtigo hit me so hard that up was down, down was up…and my coach had to steady me on the side of the pool. She asked if I needed the lifeguard, and I said no – determined that this too shall pass. It idid – after about 10 minutes of resting on the side. I then got back into the water and continued the practice but at a reduced level of activity. (Note: I do not recommend this level of stubbornness to everyone. Safety first!!! I am just sharing my stubborn levels and its craziness!)
I got through the swim practice fine thereafter, and found the bliss of the soothing water once again. But, whew – am I nuts? I just refused to be “trapped” by my body’s limitations that night, dammit! I am a type-A personality “trapped” (at times) in a type-MS body.
So – if this IS my new “normal”, then I have to re-discover myself a bit. I have to re-jig my health management routines and strategies to accomodate that new “normal”. Living with MS, that is simply a fact of my life. Change is a fact of Life – no matter who we are.
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you.” ― Tao Te Ching
Oh – and my friend? She took up a new sport as a way to “un-trap” herself: synchronized swimming! It accommodates her foot injury just fine! See? There is always another option, a way to manage and accept what you are dealing with in life. One just has to be open to looking for it – and seeing it! (But maybe keep an eye on the level of stubbornness in your choices! )
- The Button and Identity (msmeans.wordpress.com)
- 5 Ways to Stay Connected When You’re Grieving (amywinchester.com)
- Forgive me, adrenals (metaphoricalmarathons.wordpress.com)
- We begin again, at the beginning,with Multiple Sclerosis… (uglylikeme.typepad.com)