Stop the roller coaster…I wanna get off!

The past few days have been fraught with shock, uncertainty, and a feeling I can only describe as “wha-huh???” I recently saw my new neurologist, and got the results of my recent urgent MRI. The results were not at all what I was expecting. According to my new neurologist, he is not convinced that I have MS – in fact quite the opposite. His concern is that I may actually have a brain tumor – and what was once considered an a-typical MS lesion is actually a tumor. The rest of my brain is clear. I was not expecting this at all, and am still reeling from it.

Long story short – more testing – more MRI’s, a lumbar puncture (which I never had before, and now I wonder why), and biopsy of the mass on my brain. Fun, fun, fun! In the mean time, I continue to live as a person with MS, medications and all. I feel like my life has been turned upside down and shaken. I have been living with an MS diagnosis for over 6 years now – and to think that I may have been mis-diagnosed all those years ago…wha-huh???

On the bright side…if it is a tumor, it is probably not cancer – I’d be dead by now otherwise. If it is a tumor, they can most likely remove it, and I could theoretically return to normal function. At this point, I am optimistically “hoping” that I have an operable brain tumor…but not all my symptoms can be accounted for by just a brain tumor. So, the worst news that they could probably tell me is that I have MS.

My recent neuropsych test results showed a definite diminishment in my processing abilities and multitasking abilities (still well above average, but lower than my own previous norm). So, MS/tumor/concussion damage (pick one) have definitely impacted my cognitive abilities. Sucks big time, especially since my livelihood depends on the ability to think quickly and multitask efficiently. All of this is consistent with MS and/or concussion damage…but not necessarily a brain tumor.

My sweetie and I were sitting in a restaurant after seeing my GP to discuss this situation and we both started giggling stupidly: the bizarre irony of hoping someone you love has a brain tumor just struck us as hysterical. My GP was very upfront about options, and basically – a brain tumor brings the hope of a cure (surgery and radiation). MS – no cure. Too freaking bizarre.

The next few weeks are going to be all over the map, as I await testing in order to determine what the heck is actually in my head. Half the time I want to laugh, the other half, I want to scream and cry. I must admit, as crazy as it sounds, I am fervently wishing for a brain tumor (one that can be removed), and I know that I will be devastated all over again if the results come back that I indeed have MS. The proverbial “carrot” of hope (hope of a cure) is dangling just out of my reach…

Who’da thunk that a brain tumor could potentially be the “cure” for my MS?