What a crazy week this has been – from learning I have shrunk almost a full 2 inches since the car accident to shocking & unexpected news from the neurologist to the peace and calm yoga provides me.
After seeing my neurologist this week, I felt like I went into a bit of a free-fall. The reason for that is I went into my appointment thinking we would be discussing a game plan for the control of my seizures, and reasons suspected behind them. What I was not expecting was to have the doctor say to me that they (at the MS clinic) don’t know what else to do to help me, that they are out of their expertise, and need to send my to more specialists. The water works started in me, and I could not stop them, no matter how hard I tried! My eyes just kept leaking! (I think that terrified my neuro-doc more than I was terrified myself – he’s used to me being pretty assertive, strong, and poking fun at life – not weeping uncontrollably! LOL!) Long story short – I will be going to seizure specialists and various other specialists, to try to figure out why the seizures are occurring, why they are so bad, and what we can do to control them. Needless to say, my chances of being able to get behind a wheel again one day are not looking too great! Basically, my seizures are considered idiopathic – meaning they have no idea why they are happening, nor how to stop them. And unfortunately it appears they are getting more violent.
My height was taken at the MS clinic – and it turns out that I have lost almost 5 cm in height (almost a full 2 inches) as a result of the car accident – my spine is like a compressed slinky. And I know I was standing tall during the measurement – I even felt that I was standing tall because I stood using my yoga mountain pose and felt tall and straight. To learn that I have been “compressed” in height was a shock. No wonder it has been taking me so long to heal! Once again – it points me to yoga, in order to help keep my spine as healthy and properly aligned as possible. (And all this time I thought it was my sons getting taller – but it was also me getting shorter!!! And my sis can now officially say that she IS the big sister! LOL!)
After leaving the doc’s office, I readily admit I simply crumbled into an emotional mess: I could not stop weeping all the way home, so I sat at the back of the bus and wept. turning my face out the window. When I got home, I wiped away the tears as best I could (though my eyes were red and swollen) put on a smile, and talked to my boys about their first day back at school. Later, with that same brave smile, I went out with my girlfriends to a fundraiser for someone with MS who is going for the CCSVI treatment. For the next 24-48 hours after that – well, I cried, I journaled, I poured out my fears and woes to my beloved sister – and I did yoga.
No matter how utterly exhausted and emotional I felt – I did at least 15 minutes of yoga each day. Then on the weekend I went to my favorite space – the Breathing Space yoga studio for 75 minutes of Hot Yoga. Feeling the welcoming energy of the people in the yoga studio and yoga environment does almost as much to calm my anxieties and racing emotions as the yoga practice itself! Listening to Michelle’s voice chant sanskrit, resonating in the room, facing my inner demons and accepting myself “as is” on the mat all brings me to a place of peace and little to no pain. By the end of the session, I felt more at peace, more grounded and centred – and more importantly , ready to take on the next challenge facing me.
I start my yoga teacher training in a couple of weeks – and I cannot express in words how absolutely excited I am to embrace the learning and inner peace that comes with it. (Oh – and the physical benefits are awesome, too, eh?!?! 😉
I leave you with the following saying that resonates within me for many reasons right now:
At each stage of learning we must give up something, even if it is a way of life that we have always known. -Gnevee