Balance. BAL-ance. Bal-ANCE. No matter how I pronounce it, it is always a struggle to get it and maintain it!
I was re-reading some of my blogs today as I sat in a bleary-eyed brain fog, trying to figure out what the heck I was doing from one moment to the next. I noted that for the past few weeks I have been complaining about fatigue, fog, and the need to slow down. And have I done it yet? Hah! I have been pushing myself harde than ever, trying to be everything to everyone, and trying to fill everyone’s expectations of me to the best of my ability. In the meantime, my body is sending me signal after signal to slow down via tingling feet, chronic headaches, nausea, and brain fog that keeps me walking from room to room wondering why I went there in the first place. My thoughts are racing constantly with ideas, to-do tasks, future plans, and I am having trouble slowing down, relaxing, balancing. I am noticing my patience is lower, and my nausea and pain is up. Yuck.
So what do I do?
I keep saying that I’ve gotta slow down, and looking at my calendar to figure out when that will be feasible is crazy. Right now mid-April is the soonest I can take a break of any length. Hmm. In the meantime, my body/brain took me down this afternoon, virtually making me dizzy, nauseous, with aching thighs and brain fog to beat the band. After attending a teleconference with half a brain, then staring at my email workload for about 2 hours becoming increasingly overwhelmed, I finally gave in and let my body get the rest it so desperately was signaling me that it needed. I crawled into bed with a heating pad for my aching muscles and the deep cold that I could not alleviate with blankets, and fell asleep almost instantly, listening to the rain raging outside. Two hours later I woke up with my 2 cats and my dog all cuddled up against me in my bed. My headache had lessened but was still there; the fatigue is less, the pain is less, and the brain fog is less. Does that mean I am balanced again? Heck, no! It means I had a drop put back in the bucket – I really need to regain my balance!!!
This past year especially taught me that I have to be very careful about maintaining my work-life balance for my health. My body just cannot keep up with my brain in that sense. Once I get jazzed by something, I tend to go full into overdrive type-A mode, and give everything that I have and then some, leaving nothing for myself. Not good! that will always be a struggle for me to manage.
I went to yoga class again last night, desperately needing the soothing practice to bring me peace and help slow down my racing thoughts. Michelle was teaching again, and I swear that lady has the ability to read minds: she was speaking directly to me, I just know it! (OK – we all feel that way…she is that good! 😉 Anyway, as we closed the practice, she quoted “Give from the wealth of your overflow, not from the emptiness of your well.” (Or something like that – it really spoke to me though! I was too tired to remember the exact words!) Either way, what it did was remind me that if I give too much of myself out, and not find balance…I am really giving nothing, and actually taking away from myself and my family. For me, that can mean life or death – a full-on Grand Mal seizure alone at the wrong time in the wrong place…not gonna go there – been there too many times already, and I really don’t like it. It really hurts and frigs up my life and inner peace. Yes, I know – I cannot control when or if a seizure will drop me…but I can take control of myself by making sure I stay as healthy, rested, and balanced as possible. My family deserves that, and needs it. And just as importantly – so do I.