“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” -Pema Chodron

(Can you believe I held that Crane pose for 4 seconds before falling? Yipee-yahoo! Balance achieved – of a sort…)

I recently found myself struggling to find my balance regarding a number of things, from being shockingly emotionally shut down completely by someone on one end, to struggling to make sense of rapidly changing circumstances in someone’s life and its ripple effects on mine on the other end. In the middle, there was and is all the daily balance struggles to deal with – health, children, work. Whew! Frankly – balancing in Crane Pose on a rock in the middle of a cold Rocky Mountain lake seems simple by comparison, sometimes!

In order to find my personal balance again, I have been focusing on becoming un-invested while remaining fully engaged. Basically – I am focusing on taking my ego out of the equation, and being present, truly present, in whatever moment I find myself. I am finding this to be more of a struggle than I anticipated because my ego is more active and insistent than I realized! For instance, giving advice should have an intent of aid, with no intent of receiving gratitude nor accolades in return. That’s where the ego comes in, because if you find yourself getting frustrated with the advice receiver, then your intention is not true and you are allowing your own ego to get invested in that person’s journey. Another example: if someone shuts you down completely from discussing a topic through deep emotion, it is usually their issue and not a reflection on you, so focusing on keeping emotionally engaged while keeping your ego out so it doesn’t get un-necessarily bruised is the balance needed. So I am focusing on listening more, reflecting more, and taking in more information…and speaking less while keeping my inner witness calmly in the forefront, keeping my own personal ego needs in perspective. Takes a bit of fine-tuning, lemme tell ya!

Since my double seizure episode in the Spring of this past year, I have been really struggling to re-define my balance, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have had emotional ups and downs due to drug reations, illness, and MS symptom flares…and my motivation has been really flagging.  On the physical side, things keep changing with MS symptom flares, drug reactions and interactions, wacky peri-menopausal symptoms and plain old lack of personal motivation and engagement. It is starting to piss me off, because I have not quite found my personal balance again yet. But, with persistent forward movement, no matter how slow, I will rediscover my new balance…whatever it may be. (The type-A in me wants to snap my fingers and “Make it so, Number One”…but reality is never that quick and easy.)

Funnily enough, this fine balancing act is almost visibly personified as my oldest son and I re-define our relationship now that he has moved on from high school to university and is a young adult. He still needs his Mom’s love and advice…but he doesn’t need me to hold his hand anymore. Jeez – he finally becomes really fun to hang out with, and he’d prefer to hang with friends and get out and enjoy his new life than hang around with his ol’ Mom all the time! Go figure, eh?! (The balance? He has been successfully raised to responsible adulthood!)

Generally, when I start to get frustrated at my own lack of forward motion, it spurs me on to new heights…so here we go! Motivational Boot camp, anyone? Anyone?

“If you lose today, win tomorrow. In this never-ending spirit of challenge is the heart of a victor.” -Daisaku Ikeda

Namaste

Carolyne

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