“To think in terms of either pessimism or optimism oversimplifies the truth. The problem is to see reality as it is.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh
I have recently been giving a lot of thought to what exactly defines my personal balance, especially in appreciating the hilarity of my “new” medical status: fascinating, complicated, and unusual and confounding.
I saw my new seizure specialist, who works with my MS specialist, and they ran my case file in front of their monthly hospital specialists case presentation (House team equivalents). They are all stumped by my medical situation – I likely do have MS, but on the other hand my “brain mass” is deeply embedded in my left temporal lobe and hasn’t changed so it may be mild or benign MS. My spinal tap shows MS signatures – but even that test is not a specific test to “prove” MS. The brain mass may or may not have been in there all my life, but it’s too dangerous to biopsy so we’ll likely never know. Even with all the tests I’ve had, apparently it could have been “missed” by earlier technology. My seizures have epilepsy signatures and the placement of my “brain mass” in my temporal lobe is often a typical cause of seizures, but I also have signatures of something called non-elliptical attack seizures disorder (NEAD – which medical science does not understand at all right now). I endured severe childhood abuse, which is a factor lending to NEAD. They want to keep monitoring me until they can figure out what my diagnosis “should” be. Is it MS? MS and Seizure? MS, seizure and something else? All or none of the above?
My doc’s recommendation: stay the current path of MS & seizure disorder balance. In other words – keep doing what I am doing with teleworking etc; avoid stress as much as humanly possible; keep doing yoga; stay on the seizure meds – and keep an open mind! Because I have no warning he said I will likely never be able to drive again (unless they can actually diagnose me or discover an actual trigger). He also recommended I do not take baths (showers only) and that I do not handle power tools (WTF??).
That is the part that made me laugh until tears poured down my cheeks – My son already says “Mom, step away from the drill”. Now he has a doctor’s recommendation: his mom is not allowed to use power tools! (Hmmm…that could be a really good thing… do “power tools” include a stove for cooking dinner? 🙂
There is always humour to be found – even in the seemingly darkest parts!
One of my seizure triggers may be a delayed reaction to overwhelming stress – overload of either positive or negative stressors. So for me – I really need to stay aware of my personal balance. The people who know me, generally see me as a very positive person who takes on life with enthusiastic passion. Sometimes, in my enthusiasm and passion, I take on too much. I push myself to accomplish more, keep commitments that I made despite my personal energy levels: do, Do, DO. Even if the endeavors are completely personal and fully enjoyable – it can lead to a seizure if I do not monitor my fatigue levels.
Balance. It’s all about finding the right balance even in the weirdest circumstances.
“Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” -Anais Nin