“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”― Ernest Hemingway

Have you ever found yourself saying “I am never going to …something, something …again!” And you really meant it?

I found myself saying that about marriage and pursuing relationships, and that “never” sentiment was reinforced over the last years as my health issues evolved and became more “dramatic”. You know the saying “Once bitten, twice shy”…well, that was definitely me – especially when it came to being able to trust someone to understand or be able to handle life in the chronic illness lane with me. Yet I got married just this month…after almost a decade of saying (and meaning) “Never again!” And I did so with full trust and deep happiness. My husband is the kindest, gentlest, most patient and loving man I have ever known. Trust is instinctual for us together – he’s got my back, and I have his – no matter what comes down the road we are traveling together. I trust him with every fiber of my being.

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”― Maya Angelou

Trust. It’s a funny thing – trust. It’s just a small 5 letter word…yet it is such a huge deal. And trusting yourself – that’s huge, too. One thing I have noticed over the years of dealing with chronic illness is that as my illness evolved, my trust in my own abilities became shakier. My ability to trust my own body to “have my back”, so to speak, goes through ups and downs – especially since my seizures have no known trigger and have been so violent. Some days I can’t trust my brain to function the way I need due to fatigue and brain fog. Other days, I am firing on all cylinders and can trust my abilities to take me to the moon, if needed.

Chronic illness can lead to various forms of distrust and mistrust – distrust of our own bodies to carry us through our daily lives; mistrust of our professional circles due to worries of illness stigma or biases; uncertainty about the future of relationships and the ability for family and friends to cope with the fallout of chronic illness over time. This makes it challenging to go about daily life – and some days can be much more challenging than others. But the thing is, we have to find a way to come to terms with changes in our lifestyles and bodies – so we have to trust our bodies and trust ourselves to handle whatever develops. We have to trust our friends and families to be there with us, to be patient with us, to try to understand us and what we are going through. We have to take the risk to trust.

“Mistrust makes life difficult. Trust makes it risky.” ~Mason Cooley

From where I am sitting right now – I gotta say: Never is a really long time – and trust is always worth the risk.

Namaste

Carolyne

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