When Ego interferes with Maintaining Balance in Chronic Health Management

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“The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.”  ~Richard Grant

Sometimes, I have an ego problem. My ego sometimes fools me into thinking I “am” my job. It fools me into thinking that all the responsibility rests on my shoulders and that it would be selfish or irresponsible of me to say “no” to anything. It fools me into thinking that I am handling everything just fine, when in reality, maybe – just maybe – I am not handling things as fine as I thought. Maybe – just maybe – I am pushing myself too hard to please everyone, trying to maintain some standard level of effort, with a perceived or imposed criteria. Maybe – just maybe – I am not seeing the forest for the tress, and not recognizing that I need to let go of a few things at some point in order to re-establish a healthy personal balance.

For me, part of this issue stems from my training as a meteorologist. We are trained to intake significant amounts of data, make sense of it, and issue a report (i.e. forecasts and warnings) about that information within a certain time frame at set deadlines. Because of my health situation, I no longer work the operational desk, and have moved into management positions…but my training still applies. I still give it my all to make deadlines. My ego as a scientific professional will allow me to do no less than my very best. Therein lies the very problem with my ego.

You see, my ego doesn’t always align with my ability to maintain the balance in managing my chronic health. When there are urgent deadlines at work, and requests coming my way for “just one more thing”, my ego always rears its head and has me hopping to the task…even though my body is simultaneously giving me strong signals to slow down soon, or it will take me down. Part of this also stems from a form of “survivor’s guilt“, in that my directors accommodate my health so willingly, that I can often feel awkward/guilty/wrong not pushing myself to the limit when we have important deadlines – even though I know it is dangerous to my health. WTF?!?!?! Why do I do this??

One of the signs for me that I am reaching the critical breaking point is when I find myself so exhausted that life becomes a blur of falling out of bed in the morning, trudging to my workstation in my home office, logging in to work …and sitting in a fog, staring at the screen in a fugue, paralyzed as to what to tackle next. By the end of the day, I feel like my to-do list has grown significantly, and my ability to tackle it has shrunk. I then get through dinner in a fog, with no energy to do much but lie in my darling Mike’s lap while he strokes my hair. Then I go to bed (usually by 9 PM) and sleep like the dead, dreading that I have to start the whole thing again the next day. Basically – I only exist, as opposed to live, when I am pushed too far out of balance. I become irritable, and my patience shrinks considerably. I find myself less able to be around people as my energy drains to zero in seconds – and as an extrovert, that is telling! (Sometimes I even tell my cat to leave me alone…all that loud meowing! I swear, the more out of balance I become, the more he meows for attention – like he knows I need to take a break and rest! LOL!)

Once I recognized (yet again) the dangerous slippery slope I was sliding down, I took steps to combat it by letting colleagues know that my limits are reached and that I cannot handle more than I have on my plate. It can become tiresome and increasingly stressful though, always advocating for yourself and trying to enforce your balance boundaries when people in your life and work around you operate at a faster pace…often verbally nodding heads in understanding, but expectations of output not jiving with that verbal agreement. And living up to my own “high achiever” reputation does not help that balance battle! (See – ego again!)

Recently, someone sent me a link to the Lazy Song video by Bruno Mars…and it hit a chord. The Lazy Song (with Leonard Nimoy) is very funny. And, sometimes it is simply the best advice for when your balance has taken a hike!

Taking a cue from that video, and steeling my own personal balance backbone once again, I dove into strengthening my balance by reconnecting more deeply and singularly into my yoga practice. I began doing restorative yoga alone, with native american shamanic drumming as background music, going with the flow my body wants…taking my ego completely out of the equation. I gotta say – I am loving my time alone and with my ego as silenced as I can get it!

What about you? Does your ego sometimes get in the way of maintaining balance in your health management? (Or is it just me??? ;)

“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another-and ourselves.” -Jack Kornfield

Namaste

Carolyne

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Lifestyle Changes due to Chronic Illness and How to Deal with it

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“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

Image Source: nickomargolies.com

A chronic disease like Multiple Sclerosis (and many others) comes with a lifestyle change. It may be a noticeable lifestyle change – like going from walking to rolling; or from seeing to not seeing. But, it may not be immediately noticeable, as it may mean little tweaks here or there to diet, new or adjusted medication(s), accommodating fatigue, etc. It may be immediate, or it may change slowly as the disease progresses. No matter the pace…lifestyle changes due to MS or other chronic illness are usually faced at some stage.

One of the biggest fears is the uncertainty associated with a chronic illness such as MS or seizure disorder or other chronic illness. The condition may be sporadic (such as in a seizure event, in my own case), lasting only a short while. Or, it could be permanent, gradually worsening over time, such as in most of us dealing with MS.

Chronic illness can force us to face and deal with many potentially stressful lifestyle changes, such as giving up favorite activities, limiting social engagements, adapting to new physical limitations and special needs, and paying for what can be expensive medications and treatment services – or even choosing not to pay for these services due to resulting  financial changes. Even simple day-to-day living may be difficult. It can hit you like a sledge hammer, or creep up slowly over time. Over time, the stresses and anxious or even negative feelings can suck you dry of the emotional energy necessary to move forward. Lack of progress in your recovery or worsening symptoms can trigger negative thoughts that heighten feelings of anxiety and sadness and even anger, often leading to depression.

For me, the biggest sledge hammer was the loss of my driver’s license as a result of uncontrolled seizures. It was a huge lifestyle change – not only for me, but for my family, and even my ex husband! It necessitated a move, and a new working lifestyle and accommodation. It forced me to look at my lifestyle from a completely different perspective, and figure out how to accept all the change and move forward.

So how do we deal with it all? Well, for sure I can say that coping is highly individual. Adapting to your condition or feeling good about the future may seem impossible at first, but it can be done. (Seriously! And the good part? It gets easier over time as you develop your “happiness muscles”!) I wish I could say that there was a special techique, or a good recipe that always works. My own experience as shown me that even as an individual, one has to learn to roll with the changing changes…and that the look of that “coping” changes depending on the situation at hand. Does that mean it’s a hopeless cause trying to cope with lifestyle changes due to chronic illness? Nope – it just means there may be more interesting challenges than previously anticipated!

Here are some suggestions for coping with chronic illness:

  • Stay connected socially. It is so very important not to “turtle” for too long, leading to self-isolation. Establish and maintain quality relationships with friends and family. Join or form a community of positive support. Join a positive self-help group – and recognise that one size does NOT fit all. You may have to search around a bit. These groups will not only aid your own well-being, but also provide rewarding opportunities to help others.
  • Take care of yourself first. Don’t allow worries about your illness to get in the way of eating property, getting rest and exercise, and having fun. And don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first and saying “non” if there is too much on your plate or you simply need rest.
  • Maintain a daily routine of work, errands, household chores, and hobbies as much as possible. Include 15 minutes of daily meditation and/or yoga. These will help you sustain a feeling of stability amid the chaos and uncertainty of your illness.

(Reference: The American Psychological Association )

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn.” -Unknown

Namaste

Carolyne

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What do Sidney Crosby and I have in Common?

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“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down”  – Lily Tomlin

Source: http://www.sportsoverdose.com/nhl-players/sidney-crosby

Quite the title, eh? Sounds like I have delusions of grandeur! Just call me Sid! (That came about because a colleague teased me about being on a project team with me and having to deal with my days “out of the game”! )

So, what do I have in common with Sidney Crosby? Besides a good ol’ Canadian love of hockey (his love would be much stronger than mine), we both contend with lingering effects of concussion damage. Concussion effects are more serious than previously understood – and thankfully, Sidney Crosby’s situation is shedding more light (and money) on the subject.

In a recent post, I lamented about my vertigo and lingering effects after meeting some turbulence on a trip back from Ottawa just before the holiday season. I recently was sent by my neuro team to a specialist in treating concussion effects. Boy – did I learn a lot of fascinating information about the brain and how it recovers, or doesn’t recover, from concussion damage!!

It turns out that the concussion I had back in March 2007, as a result of a tonic-clonic (grand mal) seizure, is still causing me grief to this day, and likely for a long time to come. In my own case, I had a severe enough seizure to cause permanent damage to my left ear in the form of hearing loss at high and low levels (for example – I cannot hear crickets out of my left ear).

After my concussion in 2007, I was sent home from emergency and told to “take it easy” over the weekend. That was pretty much the full extent of my medical advice – “Ms. Marshall, take it easy this weekend, and don’t work your night shifts. Go back to work next week”. I suffered from serious vertigo for 6 months or so after that (no driving, walking with a cane, etc)…and finally got sent for more testing when my neuro team, after complaints from me, realized that there may be another cause for my vertigo besides my MS alone. So they then confirmed that I had had a pretty severe concussion, and pretty significant damage as a result. But no one told me what that meant to my life and managing my health.

I am still learning what that meant to my life and managing my health. For example, I now know that traveling by air will be an on-going issue for me, as turbulence will affect me each time…even the cabin pressure changes alone will be enough to cause some issues. I have learned that proper hydration is even more important for someone that has brain damage such as a concussion. I learned that even diet can affect concussion effect  – and that repeated concussions are really NOT a good thing! I learned that I have to plan for MORE rest before, during, and after travel in order to mitigate any effects. And I am sure I will learn even more as my personal journey continues to unroll.

I am so grateful that I have my yoga practice to help me further understand my “complicated yet fascinating” body! LOL!

“Your body has the amazing ability to naturally realign and heal itself, if you’d just give it some basic attention!” – Diane McLaren

Namaste

Carolyne

Turning Negatives into Positives as a Tool for Managing Chronic Illness

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“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” -Gandhi

One thing I adore about cats is that no matter what situation they find themselves in, they usually figure out a way to make it a comfortable one. And they don’t make any apologies for it!

The new year always brings with it shiny new resolutions, new goals, new resolve. The beginning on 2012 has been a bit of a challenge for me, as concussion repercussion vertigo and MS weakness and fatigue have flared up. What it’s meant is that I have been forced into a bit of a downward physical spiral in that the vertigo prevented me from doing my usual cardio (though I managed a couple of aqua fit type classes for movement and falling safety…but the pace is very slow for my fitness level). Yoga has been greatly modified to allow for safety…so when I have been well enough, I have done restorative yoga. But none of the usual “pushes” over the bulk of the holiday.

I admit, I pushed myself to attend a New Year Welcoming 2012 Yoga event, doing 108 Sun Salutations to welcome the year and donate to charity. That was a double pleasure for me, because I also got a chance to lead a segment of the 108 Sun Salutations…a happy surprise! I took breaks as I needed…child’s pose…mmmmm. My darling Mikey got through all 108! WOW! We were both very sweaty and rubbery by the end – but what a great way to get a sweat on! Savasana felt SOOOO good.

This year is one in which I will be challenging my body to make changes. Yoga will continue to be my tool to see me through it all. I will be seeing new specialists regarding concussion damages and how to manage them. One thing that is always a challenge, and makes your body change, is medication changes. For instance, I recently weaned off my anti-depressant, as recommended by my sleep specialist neuro doc…it had the positive effect of improving my sleep, but negatively it may have affected my medication cocktail in such a way as to affect my metabolism…causing weight gain. (Not just the xmas weight gain.) So I will use this as the opportunity to challenge myself to lose the weight…and maybe a few more that crept on over the course of the ups and downs of the recent year. The docs will be changing my seizure meds too – to adapt to the sleep issues. They want me to change to a seizure med that reduces sleep and mood interference, and that is known to help with pain and even with weight gain issues. This could be a good opportunity to learn even more about how my body works and how to manage my health…but it will be another slow road.

“Always concentrate on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” -Unknown

Namaste

Carolyne

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Happy 2012: the Year of Apocalypses!

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“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” ~ Buddha

Source: www.2012apocalypse.net

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2012 – the year of the Apocalypse, which many believe will herald the end of civilization as we know it, thanks to the Mayan calendar “ending” on December 21, 2012…a Mesoamerican Long Count calendar whose long count period happens to end in December 2012.

Now, I am an admitted myth and lore lover. I adore ghost stories. I love the “unexplainable”. I love human behaviour around these things. It all fascinates me. But I approach it all with the scepticism of a scientific mind and the quirky humour of a comedic wanna-be with a mind open to possibilities!

My own personal launch into the “Apocalyptically Challenged” 2012 was wonderful, despite lingering vertigo and brain ‘squishiness’ – I got to spend it with the people I love, laughing and playing simple board games into the wee hours of January 1st. I am so blessed to have sons that are smarter than anyone I have ever met, whom I fully enjoy and whom I find hysterically funny! (As I like to tease, they must use their super powers of supreme intellect for good, not eeee-vil!)  We all shared stories, dream, apocalypse myths and trivia, food and fun. I laughed all night with family and guests – to the point of a very hoarse throat the next day! (And when you play Pictionary with a squishy brain, the laughter in the room is non-stop!)

This 2012 year comes with a curious sense of anticipation and excitement for me – for many reasons. It’s a year of myth, legend and lore…a global experiment in human behaviour. (Fascinating on so many levels for so many reasons! I will be glued to the Discovery and History Channels, I am sure!) Also, my sweetie Mike and I will be getting married this year – and I am very excited about it. (I had said for years that it would be the end of civilization as we know it before I ever get married again, and I meant it with every fiber of my being. Well, apparently the end of civilization as we know it is upon us, ’cause when Mike asked, I did not even hesitate to say yes!) I will also be launching a new Yoga-MS initiative locally with the MS Society and fellow local yoga teachers. This is something close to my heart, because I truly want to bring the healing benefits of all aspects of yoga to those who really need it, but up to now have thought that yoga is just not a viable option. I will be deepening my own personal yoga practice as well, and finding the balance of cardio and yoga that works best with my ever-changing body.

So – will 2012: The Apocalypse Year be the end of civilization as we know it? Good gosh – I hope so. I hope it is a year of much change. I hope that change comes in many positive forms, such as individual inner peace; that global seeking of tranquility will become “viral”, one person at a time.

What does 2012: Year of the Apocalypse means for you?

“If the Apocalypse comes, beep me.” ~ Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Best wishes for a fantastic 2012! Namaste

Carolyne